“You Can Take the Girl Out of the Werewolf and Put it In a Robot” by Ryan Britt
5-14-2042 2:32 AM
Hey sweetheart! So, so pumped for you coming back into town. NYC misses you! I know we haven’t been dating-dating for very long, but I dunno babe, this feels really important. It’s so nice we’ve been friends for so long. I keep thinking about how you told me you were eyeing me at your book party last February! It feels stupid it took us so long to both be single and finally make this happen. So many years of making eyes across the room! Kissing you makes me feel like a teenager.
I think you’re CRAZY for suspecting that ANYONE knows about your um…situation. Just because someone writes a bunch of stories and books about a certain thing doesn’t mean any normal person thinks it’s true. I mean, nobody thinks Stephen King is a murderer, right? Arthur Conan Doyle didn’t really solve crimes and H.G. Wells didn’t travel in time! So, NOBODY thinks critically acclaimed author (and great kisser) Elizabeth Stevens is a werewolf! 😉
But, I know how you feel. When I have a weird secret, I feel like everyone’s looking at me. Like one of those dreams where you’re walking around naked.
The thing you asked for is going okay! I’ll show you what we’ve got so far when you’re here. Can’t wait to grab you.
5-14-2042 8:34 AM
RE:RE: WHAT UP
Hi Charlie. Thank you for your sweet note. I think we were teenagers together in a past life, like somewhere there are versions of us locking braces while kissing and backward-skating while listening to bad 90’s R&B. You are adorable.
Listen, honey. I have the hairiest arms in America! Let’s not kid ourselves; SOMEONE might suspect what’s really going on. Also (and I don’t want to be mean here) but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t ever (like NEVER EVER) use the actual word in the e-mails. I know I write about my situation in my fiction a lot, but I really don’t want it spelled-out in personal e-mails. Even writing about it this much makes me uncomfortable. It’s not your fault and you’re just trying to help me and I am so thankful for that. You are a special one, Charlie.
Do you think what you have so far might be up for a test? Like I might be able to take it for a spin when I come see you?
Excited to be off this book tour soon! See you tomorrow!
5-18-2042 4:47 AM
Hi babydoll. I’m a little tipsy, so please forgive me.
I’m hope you’re not mad at me. I know you wanted to move into the robot body when you were in town. Sorry it couldn’t happen. Thinking about the look your face when I said it wasn’t possible yet makes me so angry myself. But I think in another few weeks, we’ll be all set. I just need to make sure the telepathic transference circuit is the best we can get, and compatible with your…physiology. The guy I’m buying all of this stuff from is on the cutting-fucking edge, doll, but I did have to tell him about everything, just to make sure it all works. I’m sure it will be fine.
I’m sorry you couldn’t take it out for a spin yet. Next time!
Write me back so I know you’re not mad.
5-18-2042 3:35 PM
RE: NO SUBJECT
Charlie! Of course I’m not mad. I love spending time with you, no matter what happens.
Now, I don’t want to lie to you, I was very sad about the state of things. It’s so hard to explain this to someone who doesn’t turn into a monster periodically based on the fucking moon. It’s really hard Charlie and I want it to be over. The robot body looks good! I know you said it’s technically identical to my regular body, I think you made me prettier somehow. Smoother skin or something. Which is oddly flattering and I love you for it.
I’m sorry I had to run back up to my place in the Catskills. Sometimes even when the moon is waxing a little bit I start to feel CRAZEE. I wish I could stay with you, but I don’t want anything bad to happen.
Let’s try the transference when I’m back next week? Please?
5-18-2042 6:03 PM
GET BACK TO ME ASAP
Hey Jax man. I’m in a bind here. Do you think you’ll have that part for me?
She wants to try the transference ASAP. I know it’s expensive, but I’ll have the money.
Let me know ASAP
5-18-2042 6:24 PM
RE: GET BACK TO ME ASAP
I’ve got it now. Come pick it up.
Keep in mind: tons of people have done this, but none of them have been werewolves, bro. Like Samuel L. Jackson moving into a robot body is one thing. Your little author/werewolf girlfriend’s consciousness will transfer over to the ‘bot okay, but I have NO fucking clue what will happen on a full moon. This whole idea of de-werewolfing her with a robot body is all on you man. Plus, what’s going to happen to her regular body? Have you thought of what to do with that? I don’t know much about this, but what if that just turns into a regular wolf? What will you do with a regular fulltime wolf? Just sayin’
5-18-2042 6:27 PM
RE: RE: GET BACK TO ME ASAP
Cool. Thanks for the warning. I’m on my way.
7-25-2042 11:32 AM
To: Undisclosed Recipients
Help with animal adoption?
Dear close friends and friends of friends.
Please don’t spread this e-mail around too much, but I’m writing to a select group of people to let you know I need help in putting up an animal for adoption. As many of you know, I spend a good deal of time working on my writing at a small home in the Catskills. Recently, an extremely friendly small gray wolf has wandered into my house and simply won’t leave. I need advice on how to put this wonderful creature up for adoption or hand it over to the proper animal control authorities. She is extremely tame and I have been feeding her cookies.
On another note, thanks so much to all who reached out in support about the death of Charlie Best. It’s been hard for me. We weren’t dating long, and it’s strange he just disappeared, and when his body did turn up… I think you all know I was devastated. But truly, you are all wonderful for supporting me on this.
7-27-2042 6:32 PM
RE: Help with animal adoption
Hey girl! I’m sorry I don’t know anything about wild animal control laws. That’s so crazy! Like life imitating art or something. WEIRD. But you’ve always had a pretty interesting life.
I’m so sorry to hear about Charlie. Like truly. Life is strange and tragic. I’m here for you girl!
This might be a strange time to say this, but GIRL, you looked great at that last reading in the city. Like your skin looks AMAZING. Sorry if it’s a weird time to mention that.
A million hugs and coffee date soon!
RE:RE: Help with animal adoption
Thanks for your sweet note. And no, that’s not an inappropriate compliment or whatever. It’s flattering. I have been on a new diet! I feel so great about my skin too! THANK YOU.
Yes, coffeez soon!
About the Author
Ryan Britt‘s writing has appeared with The New York Times, The Awl, Nerve, Omni Reboot, Good, Clarkesworld, Soon, Opium, and extensively with Tor.com, where he is a former staff writer. He is currently serving as a consulting editor for Story Magazine and teaches creative writing both privately and at the Gotham Writers’ Workshop. He lives in New York City.